Тема: # Новлидж оф Инглиш стриктли рекоммендед.

[Fartunka›]

http://www.learningrussian.com/phrases/slang/slang.htm

   

               

               

[Снорри›]

http://armies.narod.ru/mat.b.htm

               

               

[Heisa›]

Техника безопасности при полетах (http://www.airtoons.com/toons.php?toon=1)

               

               

[Снорри›]

Can You hear me? Ты можешь меня здесь?

Undressed custom model - Голая таможенная модель
Manicure - Деньги лечат
I"m just asking - Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there - У меня там фасоль
God only knows - Единственный нос бога
We are the champions - Мы шампиньоны
Do You feel alright? - Ты справа всех знаешь?
Bye bye baby, baby good bye - Купи купи ребенка, ребонок хорошая покупка
To be or not to be? - Пчела или не пчела?
_{/*тут скорее уж "пчелить или не пчелить "*/}
^{/*тогда уж "две пчелы или не две пчелы,"*/}
I fell in love - Я свалился в любовь.
Just in case - Только в портфеле
I will never give up - Меня никогда не тошнит
Oh dear - Ах олень.
I saw my Honey today - Я пилил мой мед сегодня
I"m going to make you mine - Я иду копать тебе шахту
May God be with you - Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой
Finnish people - Конченные люди
Bad influence - Плохая простуда
Phone seller - Позвони продавцу
Good products - Бог на стороне уток
Let"s have a party - Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! - Посмотри снаружи!
I know his story well - Я знаю твой исторический колодец
Press space bar to continue - Космический бар прессы продолжает ..
I love you baby - Я люблю вас, бабы!
Let it be - давайте есть пчел

_{браво..толго и тупо ржала. пыталась биться головой об монитор )) не получилось -он упал...}
^{Я знал, что тебе понравится}

               

               

[Снорри›]

AOL - Always Off Line
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash;If Not,The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
NT - Network Tragedy
DNS - Does Nothing Special
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Them

^{(c) Gery Kahn}

               

               

[Снорри›]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty"s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

- There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

- In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

- By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

- During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer

ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!




RJ, может, стоит завести отдельныйМегаТред для англоязычных приколов? Или это лишнее?

               

               

[Снорри›]

Сказка о Кинге Салтане

Три герлицы под виндом
Пряли поздним ивнингом...
- Кабы я была queen'ница, -
Спикает одна герлица, -
Я б для фазера-кинга
Super-session собрала!
- Кабы я была квинница, -
Middle спикает герлица, -
Я б для фазера-кинга
Super-Rifle соткала!
- Кабы я была квинница, -
Третья спикает герлица, -
Я б для фазера-кинга
Supermen'a родила!

А во время разговора
King стоял behind забора,
И услышав этот спик,
Пред девицами возник!
К младшей подошел герлице,
Говорит ей: - Будь квинница!
Вам же,милые герлы,
Вымыть во дворце полы!
Старшая пойдет на kitchen -
К wedding'у чтоб был начищен!
Ты же, middle, поутру -
Super-Rifle - ко двору!..

Так сказав, с младой герлицей,
Новоявленной квинницей,
Удалился king в palace.
Super-session собралась...
What там дальше, братцы, было -
Все сокрылось в темноте,
Something ходуном ходило...
(Feelings now - уже не те!..)

Зависть black сестер глодала,
Sleep спокойно не давала,
Дали клятву отомстить
И квинницу погубить!
И со следущей зари
Бабариху привлекли...

Эх, таймы в то время были!
По field'ам враги ходили
И со страшными форсами
Nock'али друг друга лбами!
9 месяцев King бился,
У квинницы boy родился,
Вес - 4,800!
Стейту будущий оплот!
To the war идет посланье:
"В 3.15 near бани
Мол, квинница родила...
Вот такие, King, дела..."

А grandmother Бабариха
До сих пор сидела тихо,
But теперь гонца сманила,
Крепким вайном опоила,
И отправила в светлицу
На забаву с yard - герлицей
И гонец тот поутру
Вот такую вез муру:
"Спикают, родился baby
В совершенном непотребе,
Не герлица и не boy,
Непонятно, who такой..."

Кровь кингова горяча -
Head гонцу он снес с плеча,
Но потом назад приставил,
Вот что отвезти заставил:
"Чебурашку сохранить!
Позже будем десайдить!"
Тут опять-grandmother в деле,
С нею - yard-герлица в теле,
Tumble-rumble до рассвета,
Это - то, а это - это...
И квиннице guy привез
Бабарихинский донос:
"King велит своим боярам,
Времени не тратя даром,
И кингусю и квинницу
Бросить в море - освежиться!
Я во гневе и т.д.,
Пусть достанутся воде!.."

Делать нечего - кингова
Воля от слова до слова!
В barrel садят Queen с приплодом,
Beach высокий...С богом - в воду!
А в инсайде - повариха
И grandmother Бабариха,
Со злым лайфингом в айсах
И со скорбью на устах...
Думают:"Есть бог на скае!
Пусть водички похлебают.
Ну, а мы тут чередом
Разберемся и с King'ом!
Эка невидаль - children!
Был бы под рукою man!.."

День за днем, а barrel в море,
Queen в беспамятстве и горе:
"Как мог King deside такое?!
Very подлое и злое...
Что же делать now нам -
Век носиться по волнам?..."

Шли таймы, boy улонгялся,
В barrel просто не вмещался
И в один прекрасный day
Крикнул: - Море,пожалей!
Мы на beach хотим с квинницей,
Помоги там очутиться!
Море оценило speech,
Barrel вынесло на beach
И ушло. Кингусь head'ом
Вмиг расправился со дном!
- Mother! - крикнул - Мы на воле!
Вижу hill в широком поле,
Oak-tree на нем могучий,
Там мы скроемся от тучи,
Ну, а дальше поглядим -
Может, country создадим
И торговую фирму
На себя, мамань, возьму!..

Только кончил это speak -
Слышит он на море крик!
Видит - в скае коршун флает
И на лебедь нападает!
King скорее лук сломил,
Чтобы коршуна to kill!
(Да! Совсем forget сказать -
Кингуся Гвидоном звать.
Name мамаша подыскала,
Но Салтану не сказала...)

Лук бабахнул - коршун в water!
Из моря выходит рота
Суперменов-молодцов,
С ними - uncle без усов.
Uncle отвесил big поклон
И сказал: - My friend Gweedon!
Нам из коршунов консервы
Твои действуют на нервы!
Коль тухлятины ты в море
Впредь не сбросишь - мы в дозоре
Будем ireland твой хранить
И твой state превозносить!
Принимай на службу нас
И записывай в приказ!

Night настала, moon плывет,
Гвидон think about bird...
Ранним утречком вдруг town
Over him стоит на славу!
Mother ахает пугливо:
- Чур to me! Такое диво!
-Тихо, мамка! Вижу I
Тешится лебедка my!..

Входят. Town very beauty -
Все на газе, на мазуте,
Кары бегают по стритам,
Happy все кругом и сыты,
Мощно factory дымит,
People навстречу им валит.
Все с почетом их встречают,
В гор-palace их провожают,
Кто-то произносит speech:
- Чтобы большего достичь,
Стань, Гвидон, главой над нами!
Все кивают головами,
И Гвидон ответил: - Yes!
Very много тут чудес!
Good! Я буду здеся править,
Ireland наш по свету славить,
Вместе с матушкой моей
Будем поджидать гостей...

Life неспешно протекала,
All is good - и горя мало!
Только видит mother - часто
Князь Гвидон, правитель властный
Грустный ходит по beach'у,
Face демандит кирпичу...

Как-то, улучив момент,
Когда князь, как постамент,
На hill'е стоял под дубом,
Маясь в silenc'е угрюмом,
Queen спросила: - What with you?
- Tears горькие я лью!
Тута girls такие ходят,
На меня тоску наводят...
И потом - ведь father есть!
Что ж он не окажет честь?!
Не приедет к нам с тобою?
И добавил word плохое...
- Батя, видно, нас forget!
Вот ужо построю jet!..

Только это он промолвил -
On the sea поднялись волны,
Птичкой бьется князя heart -
Выплывает лебедь-bird...

Лебедь ask: - Ты что, Гвидончик?
Отвечает ей викончик:
- Father'а хочу увидеть!
Только так, чтоб не обидеть,
Где-то из-за уголка,
Чтоб не волновать пока...
Только молвил - jet не надо!
В центре у кингова сада
Очутился наш Гвидон!
(В комара был превращен
Он for пущей маскировки,
Полный тайны and сноровки...)

Что же видит он? В palac'е,
Весь смурной, как day ненастный,
King сидит, а рядом тихо
Хитрый face - то Бабариха!
Две сестры от трона сбоку.
King сердит: - Что ль нету проку
Мне в купцах моих совсем?!
Или утонуть им всем
Приключилося в пучине?
Где доклады? В чем причина?
Или в свете нет чудес?!
Он во гневе с трона слез...

Тут как тут купцы с ответом:
- Many плыли мы по свету!
Привезли тебе кино,
И вино, и домино,
Но remember больше всех
Gweedon's ireland! Сестры - в смех!
Им grandmother громко вторит:
- Ну подумаешь, на море
Ireland, city - ну и че?
King взъярился: - Коль еще
Капать you will be на мозги -
Взяться я велю за розги!
Продолжайте! Что за town?
Oh, my King! Там все на славу!
Там у них, едрена мать,
Все, что хочешь, можно жрать!
Нет нитритов, нет нитратов,
Нет ни рыжих, ни горбатых!
Factory дымит здоровый,
Женшшины кругом, коровы!
People там доволен всем,
Есть компьютер IBM -
Все они на нем считают,
Чуть чего - программы есть,
Никогда не прогорают,
Вот ей-богу, Ваша честь!..
Да! Еще такое wonder!
Из моря выходит банда
Суперменов-молодцов!
С ними - uncle без усов!

А в palac'е белка live,
И поет при всем народе
На Барыкина пародьи
На любой его мотив!
Есть и видео салон,
А главой там князь Гвидон,
В гости он тебя зовет,
Коли надо - jet пришлет...
- А чево такое "jet"?
- Это,King,летучий flat!
Сел в него - и через час -
Вот тебе Gweedon's palace!

Тут grandmother Бабариха
Завопила с поварихой:
- То, что в море кто-то дышит -
Ерунда! Коли ты слышал,
Я купила акваланг!
Надевай - и сам, как uncle,
В наше lake сигай с гусями!
You надули с чудесами!
Белку энту - в бастурму!
Подражает Кузьмину!
А про видеосалоны
Говорят, что там притоны,
Безобразия и СПИД
В кажной бабе там сидит!
То ли дело - princess есть,
Просто eyes нельзя отвесть!
Мисс Европа сего года
Рядом с ней - как с огорода...
Тут Гвидон не утерпел,
Бабарихе в глаз влетел,
Двух сестер попутно тяпнул,
Облетел кингову шляпу,
И моментом - go home! -
Вновь виконтом встав на холм...

King орет: - Поеду я!!!
Where live моя семья?!
Вместе б чудо посмотрели,
Что там как на самом деле,
Very интересен мне
Калькулятор "И-Бе-Ме"...

Князь опять в большой тоске,
Видит - лебедь на песке.
- Что, слетал? И как там father?
Отвечал Гвидон не сразу:
- А ты знаешь, лебедь-bird,
Где-то princess тут живет,
Взбаламутила мне жисть!
Ох, I love ее, кажись!
Где же взять мне princess ту?
Застрелюсь я на мосту!

- Well, Гвидон, не надо cry!
Посмотри, какое sky!
Yellow sun на нем сияет...
- Green тоска меня съедает!
Нет мне кайфа без нее!
Where лежит мое ружье?!
Говоря весь этот speech,
Князь Гвидон смотрел на beach,
И не видел, как из water,
Скинув перья, крылья, шорты
Princess wonderful сошла,
Стройная, аки стрела!
А уж face и остальное -
Трудно удержаться стоя!
Обернувшись в тот момент,
Князь подумал: - Все, the end!
Крыша съехала моя!
Прощевайте, мол, друзья...

...Времечко течет,как Волга,
Чтоб не утомлять вас долго
Длинной повестью своей,
Я скажу - полно гостей
Вскоре было у Гвидона -
Президенты, Марадоны,
Вся тусовка собралась
Во гвидоновский palace.
Веселились до упаду
Все аж seven суток кряду!
Вот и все, пожалуй,братцы.
Как нетрудно догадаться,
King Салтан признал семью,
Happy end, as since we knew!
Снова sun сияет в sky.

               

               

[Снорри›]

<sup>* Forwarded by : Dmitry Kilkin (2:5020/1581.20)
* Area : MY.HUMOR (Мой юмор)
* From : Alexandr Monakhov 2:5020/1581.10 20 января 02, 13:33
* To : All 22 января 02, 01:37
* Subj : Гамлет

Ну вот мы и встретились, All!
Давно я так не ржал.
-[чик-чик]-</sup>

В кадре интерьер средневекового замка в захламленном состоянии. На полу валяются баночки из-под пива, водочные бутылки, рыцарский панцирь с надписью "Зизи Топ".

Гнусавый голос за кадром (переводчик): - Дания тысяча двести какого-то года. Прошлое. Замок в страшном запустении. Короля убили, залив ему яд в ухо по самые бакенбарды.

Появляется Гамлет с учебником английского в руках.

Гамлет: - To be or not to be... To be or not to be...
Переводчик: - Изучает неопределенные формы глаголов.

Появляется тень отца Гамлета.

Тень: - I am your father! Hamlet!
Переводчик: - Я тень твоего отца, Гамлет!
Гамлет: - My father? Really?
Переводчик: - Папаша, хватит наводить тень на плетень! Говори толком!
Тень: - What is it? Son of the bitch!
Переводчик: - Что за дурацкий прикид? Сынок, ты одеваешься, как бич.
Гамлет: - Fuckin' shit!
Переводчик: - Фрак еще не сшит! Не успели. Не готов.
Тень: - Show must go on!
Переводчик: - Ты должен отомстить за меня!
Гамлет: - No problem!
Переводчик: - Нет, тут одна проблема.
Тень: - Why? Why, why?...
Переводчик: - Говорит по-армянски.

Тень удаляется. Гамлет поднимает с земли череп.

Гамлет: - Oh, Yorick, е-мое!
Переводчик: - Бедный ёжик. Сдох, что ли? Кто тебя так?

Появляется Лаэрт.

Лаэрт: - Ich bin Laert!
Переводчик: - Их убил Лаэрт.
Гамлет: - Give me please that.
Переводчик: - Дайте мне шпагу, я надеру ему задницу.
Лаэрт: - It's impossible!
Переводчик: - Задницу шпагой - оригинально!

Вынимают шпаги и начинают обмениваться ударами.

Гамлет: - I like to move it, move it...
Лаэрт (скороговоркой): - Gibr away now, gibr away now...
Переводчик: - Говорят о том, о сем.

Гамлет наносит укол Лаэрту.

Переводчик: - Пропускает прямой слева.
Гамлет: - You are dead, Laert!
Переводчик: - Ты покойник, Лаэрт!

Лаэрт валится на пол.

Переводчик: - Поверил, тупица!
Гамлет: - To be or not to be? That is the question...
Переводчик: - Задается всякими вопросами, типа: убил или не убил? Куда пойти учится и все такое. И умирает.

Занавес, цветы, аплодисменты, чудовищные гонорары и все такое. Пьеса основана на реальных событиях, произошедших в одном из съемочных павильонов Голливуда.


(с) А. Каранович, И.Осипов, А. Шаров.

<sup>-[чик-чик]-

С уважением, Alexandr aka В.Киса 20 Янв 02 года
[_/АРИЯ/_] [Смешные Шутки] [JRRT] [Россия без фашистов]
[Duke Nukem живет вечно!] [The Simpsons] [*_Futurama_*]
* Origin: Мне некуда больше любить... (2:5020/1581.10)</sup>

               

               

[Снорри›]

<sup>* Закинуто с помощью Alex Exler (2:5020/443)
* Area : KIEV.ANECDOT (Анекдоты)
* From : Andrey Yankevich, 2:463/666@fidonet (Чет Апp 20 1995 17:57)
* To   : All
* Subj : Слэнг продавцов техники
=====================================
* Переслано Andrey Yankevich (2:463/666)
* Эха  : SU.HARDW.SCHEMES (Hardware different schemes)
*  From : Dmitry Guluaev, 2:5035/2    20 апp 95 (Чет) 11:07
* To   : All
* Subj : Слэнг продавцов техники

Hello All!

Попался мне в pуки жуpнальчик STEREO & VIDEO N 1/2/1995 а в нем соответсно статейка "СЕРЬЕЗHОЕ ПРЕДУПРЕЖДЕHИЕ" и очень она мне понpавилась. Вот и показую ее вам.</sup>


СЕРЬЕЗОЕ ПРЕДУПРЕЖДЕИЕ
IBC (International Broadcast Convention) является институцией, организующей в Амстердаме крупнейшие в Европе смотры профессиональной злектронной аппаратуры. Она издает специальную газету, в которой в этом году перед началом смотра аппаратуры были опубликованы серьезные предупреждения. Поскольку все прогрессивиые достижения в профессиональной электронной аппаратуре рано или поздмо будут применяться также в бытовой электронике, считаем необходимым ознакомить вас с этим предупреждеиием.

Посетитепи, внимание!

Изготовители аппаратуры изобрели специальный сленг с целью расхваливания собственной продукции. Как это всегда бывает, перевод на более точный язык далеко не всегда подтверждает волшебные свойства того аппарата, который нам предлагают приобрести. ижеследующее предупреждение поможет вам избежать массу стрессов и неприятных минут.

NEW (новое): Отличающееся по цвету от предыдущей модели.
ALL NEW (совершенно новое): Детали не подходят к предыдущим моделям.
PROTOTYPE (прототип): Прекрасная мысль, но ничто не заставит меня выпускать это изделие.
EXCLUSIVE (искпючитепьное): Импортное изделие.
UNMATCHED (несравнимое): Почти такое же, как у конкурентов, или не прошедшее тестирование.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY (простая конструкция): Расходы на производство оказались намного большими, чем предполагалось.
FOOLPOOF OPERATION (легкое управление): Отсутствие элементов управпения.
ADVANCED DESIGN (прогрессивная конструкция): Рекламное агенство просто не знает, о чем идет речь.
ITS HERE AT LAST (наконец-то оно появилось): Особая конструкция изделия. Заказчики отказываются его покупать.
FIELD TESTED (испытано при эксплуатации): У фирмы отсутствует технопогия тестирования или устройство для его проведения.
HIGH ACCURACY (высокой точности): Аппарат, оборудованый памятью.
DIRECT SALES ONLY (только прямые поставки): Изготовитель не смог договориться с посредниками.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT (многолетний опыт): По прошествии многих лет выяснилось, что только эта модель может работать.
UNPRECEDENT PERFORMANCE (неслыханное качество): Из того, что мы до сих пор изготавливали, работает лишь эта модель.
REVOLUTIONARY (революционное): есколько иное, чем у конкурентов.
BREAKTHROUGH (открытие первоочередной важности): Наконец-то нашлось применение для этой модели.
FUTURISTIC (модель будущего): А как еще можно объяснить внешний вид изделия?
DISTINCTIVE (существенно отличающееся): Другой формы, другого цвета, кнопки переставлены. В остальном - никаких отличий.
MAINTENANCE FREE (не нуждающееся в уходе): е поддающееся ремонту.
REDESIGNED (переработанное): адеюсь, что обнаруженные недостатки уже исправлены.
HAND CRAFTED (ручная сборка): С6орщики деталей работают на станках, не надевая перчаток.
PERFORMANCE PROVED (опробовано): Будет работать до окончания гарантийного срока.
MEETS ALL STANDARTS (отвечает всем нормам): ашим нормам, но не вашим.
SATISFACTION GARANTEED (вы останетесь довольны): Единственным довольным останется изготовитель поспе получения вашего чека.
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED (управляется микропроцессором): Модель делает то, чего я не могу объяснить.
ALL SOLID STATE (солидное исполнение): Весом с корову.
BROADCAST QUALITY (высокое качество телерадиоприема): Появляется изображение и грохот.
HIGH RELIABILITY (многолетняя надежность): Изготовлено давно, но продать удалось лишь сейчас.
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANTS (изготовлено с малыми допусками): Наконец-то дна деталь подходит к другой.
MILITARY SPEC COMPONENTS (детали, отвечающие требованиям военно-промышленного комплекса): Изготовлено из деталей, которые оказались не нужны военным.
24 - HOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE (круглосуточное обслуживание заказчиков): В течение суток найдем вам человека, который будет полностью вас игнорировать.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NATIONWIDE (обслуживание заказчиков по территории всей страны): В большинстве аэропортов имеются пункты приема в ремонт.
HIGH ACCURACY SURFACE TOLERANCIES (малые допуски при соблюдении точности поверхности): Гладкая поверхность.

<sup>Dmitry Guluaev  &:-)

-+- Nightingale BBS, GoldED 2.41+
+ Origin: Nightingale BBS, Kursk, Russia (FidoNet 2:5035/2)</sup>

               

               

[Музыка›]

To be, or not to be, - that is the fate...
Too beer, or not too beer - question of the time...
Two beer, or not two beer - don't drink so much!

               

               

[Heisa›]

What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?

UNIX Man
To the tune of "Nowhere Man"
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
for nobody

Knows the blocksize from 'du'
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, don't worry
It's the tube that's blurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned

He's as wise as he can be
Programs in lex, yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, please listen
My printout is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command



Write in C
To the tune of "Let It Be"
When I find myself in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Wtite in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.


I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.




Lucy in the sky with diodes
To the tune of "Lucy in the sky with diamonds"
Picture yourself with software to deliver
Your code won't compile with two thousand tries
Somebody calls to walk through your new program
A girl with oscilloscope eyes

Silicon RAM chips that mess up your screen
Showering rays through your head
Look for your brain at the end of the day
And it's gone
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes

Follow her down past her desk by a mountain
Of documentation, you ask yourself why
Everyone smiles as you fumble through spec sheets
That read so incredibly dry

Verification appears such a chore
Yawning the hours away
Climb up a wall looking for the dead code
Then you're gone
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes

Picture yourself with your own new workstation
With parallel ports and a fast floppy drive
Suddenly someone is there with your paycheck
The girl with oscilloscope eyes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes
Lucy in the sky with diodes






Lagman
To the tune of "Taxman"
Let me tell you how long it's been
That's 7K in 19 min
'Cause I'm the lagman, yeah, I'm the lagman

Should fifty baud appear quite sad
Be thankful it's not really bad
'Cause I'm the lagman, yeah, I'm the lagman


If you download sound, I'll lag your clip
If you try to process, I'll lag your chip
If you ftp, I'll lag your zip
If you surf the web, I'll lag your SLIP
Lagman!

Don't ask me why it's on the blink (a-ah, Mr. Thompson)
Unless you want to lose your link (a-ah, Mr. Gates)
'Cause I'm the lagman, yeah, I'm the lagman

Now my advice for MPEG freaks:
You could be waiting several weeks
'Cause I'm the lagman, I'm the lagman, yeah,
And you're waiting for no one but me.






Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
   Sits at the keyboard
   And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
   Finding some code
   That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Ah, look at all the lonely users...

Our system admins
   tear out their hair
   and they swear and some really do care
but cannot help us
look at us working
   spending our lives with hard drives
   'til our eyes start to go
what does it show?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?





Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps ...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow.

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me ...

I don't want to leave it now,
I'm too close to leave it now.

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know ...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know ...

Something in the initialization code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me ...

I don't want to leave it now,
I'll fix it tonight I vow!




Yesterday
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.



Imagine
Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine neverending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.




               

               

[Heisa›]

Unusual C Compiler Errors

These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope.

"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)"
"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'"
"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"
"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"
"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler"
"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"
"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"
"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)"
"Huh ?"
"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
"we already did this function"
"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"
"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"
"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer"

               

               

[Heisa›]

What gender are computers? The debate rages on:

Five reasons computers must be female...

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
....and on the other hand.....

Five reasons computers must be male...

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
A better model is always just around the corner.

               

               

[Heisa›]

The Tale of the Pea Sea
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. ``Forsooth,'' they cried. ``the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows only eight and three.'' And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: ``Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish.'' The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature OZ II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.

Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, ``Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea.''

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.

Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, ``It is indeed great, but we see little application for it.'' And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. ``Yea,'' the Gateskeeper declared, ``though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs.''

And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.

And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.





               

               

[Heisa›]

The Dark Sucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.




               

               

[Heisa›]

New Element Discovered!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by researchers at the University of Fulchester. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganisation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


               

               

[Heisa›]

Aliens and Meat
Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander-in-chief...

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."


               

               

[Heisa›]

How to be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 0800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your trousers backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. (Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 green bottles song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog."

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one."

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.


               

               

[Heisa›]

Mistranslations

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing please do not read this notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
of 9 and AM daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 5,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for the purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as
a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, then you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do no t feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking
- Here speeching American




               

               

[Heisa›]

Interpretation of a Stop Sign
Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

A postmodernist deconstructs the sign with his bumper, ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.

A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

An average Catholic doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
A fundamentalist, allowing the text to interpret itself, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

A suburban preacher looks up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discovers that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

An orthodox Jew does one of two things:

 -Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
-Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]

A Karaite does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.

A Unitarian concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

A divinity professor notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.

A tenured divinity professor points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".

A rival scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.

Because of the difficulties in interpretation, a later scholar ammends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.